Vorrei partire da un presupposto: in tutte le famiglie può accadere di litigare.

Quando, però, in famiglia almeno un componente è adolescente ogni discussione si amplifica e sembra di ritrovarsi in un girone dell’Inferno dantesco.

Esistono tre modi di litigare:

  • costruttivo: la questione viene discussa e risolta
  • produttivo: discussa ma non risolta
  • distruttivo: in modo verbalmente rabbioso e, se si trascende, in modo fisicamente aggressivo

Come in tutte le situazioni della vita non esiste una ricetta magica per affrontare le discussioni, quindi non ve la darò, ma mi limiterò a fornirvi una serie di consigli generali:

  1. La violenza non è mai accettabile né giustificabile.
  2. Stilate una classifica di cose per voi veramente importanti per le quali valga la pena discutere ed altre sulle quali potete soprassedere.
  3. Non reagite in modo eccessivo né in modo troppo blando, un po’ come quando stiamo cucinando e la dose di sale è identificata con q.b. (quanto basta): con un po’ di allenamento ce la potrete fare.
  4. Nel fervore della discussione non arrivate mai a denigrare i vostri figli adolescenti perché le parole possono essere delle lame taglienti che procurano ferite difficili da curare. Un esempio positivo può essere quello di dire qualcosa come: “Ti voglio bene ma non riesco proprio a sopportare questo tuo comportamento”.
  5. Non accusateli se non avete la prova che abbiano fatto qualcosa di sbagliato ma basandovi solo su vostre sensazioni o su episodi che avete, in modo arbitrario, collegato nella vostra mente.
  6. Attenzione alla comunicazione verbale e non verbale: comunicate quello che provate ma siate consapevoli del tono di voce, dell’espressione facciale e del linguaggio del corpo. Dire “non sono arrabbiato” ma tenere una voce tremolante, serrare i denti e stringere i pugni o agitare la mano nervosamente significa mandare un messaggio contraddittorio.
  7. Non sentitevi in dovere, in quanto adulti, di dover sempre “vincere” ad ogni costo perché non c’è niente di strano nel perdere una discussione ogni tanto!
  8. Imparate a scusarvi se sentite di aver esagerato: anche gli adulti sbagliano e devono saper chiedere scusa per insegnare l’umiltà ai propri figli.

Nel prossimo articolo vi parlerò di come disinnescare i conflitti.

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